name

i don't know who i am
this is not a lament
no ideological
finding of myself
no adolescent quest

just
that i don't know
my name

the first remains
it is still tara
of ireland
of scarlet
of earth
of my mother

but the last is lost
in birthright traded
in dead weddings
and eternal love

przybille is deep rooted
with my father
with old europe
with poland long ago
with my birth

heater is tied to me
by umbilical cords
by a distant thought
by pain and aching
by the casualties of war

holland carries memories
of american mind
of my sister's new land
of lies and liars
of pen and parchment

bradley beats inside me
my life blood
my salvation from the world
my beloved chosen
my nuevo nombre, my fuerte hombre

all are me and i am all
to claim one is to deny another
if i cut me off from myself
i still won't know who
i am
daughter wife and mother

The Weight of It

KinderdijkBalcony
Originally uploaded by SavageWave.

i am finding reasons again
searching under rocks
and climbing ladders
as though the obtuseness
or the height of it
somehow matters

looking out
to discover one more little thing
that will convince me
this tide will go nowhere

i can't be out there
with all those people
'cause they are nowhere with me
i don't think my head is
with the stars
or above the clouds even
it sits squarely on my shoulders
wet with tears

who cried and made me queen?
i look out and see the serf
falling in the field
in that poorest of oceans
and i cannot be seen
beyond this savage wave

in truth, nothing is lacking
you have been weighed
you have been measured
and you have been found
wanting nothing
so where are my reasons
where have all the findings gone?

it is this window from which i look
that frames me
and it is days like these
that tell me i am wrong
to push you under
to deny you moments
and cheat the bitches of fate

Tara Holland

© 1990 - 2005 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express permission of the author.

In a City of Her Own

Terrace
Originally uploaded by SavageWave.

Wrap the walls, frightened girl
Do not gather flowers
Or stars
But gather the stones
Place each one true
In the hole where it fits best
Build it strong
Gather what is real
And wrap your golden city


Tara Holland

Out on the terrace at my sister's flat in Scheidam, Netherlands.



© 1990 - 2005 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express permission of the author.

Time Manglement/Under The Wire

© 1990 - 2005 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express permission of the author.

I'm enrolled in two on-line college courses this quarter. I know, I'm crazy. I also have 3 part time jobs, three church callings, a house to run, a husband to keep happy, a 12 year old son to raise, and an 11 year old daughter whom I'm homeschooling!!

Well, one of my courses kindly provided us students with a little survey so we could get a handle on our "time management". One of our assignments was to respond to the survey. I'll post the survey and my response:

SURVEY

Before giving thought to the question of priorities, please use the following skill assessment to help you understand your own use of time:

For each set of statements below, mark the number which best describes you.

1 I like to set my watch at exactly the correct time.
2 I like my watch to be set a few minutes ahead of the correct time.
3 Most of the time, I do not wear a watch.
___________________________________________________
1 I tend to arrive at most functions at least five minutes early
2 I tend to arrive at most functions exactly on time.
3 I tend to arrive at most functions a little bit late.
___________________________________________________
1 In the course of my daily activities I tend to walk and talk quite fast.
2 In the course of my daily activities I tend to take my time.
3 In the course of my daily activities I tend to walk and talk slowly.
___________________________________________________
1 In high school I almost always completed my daily assignments.
2 In high school I usually completed my daily assignments.
3 In high school I often failed to complete my daily assignments.
___________________________________________________
1 I like to finish my assignments with a little time to spare.
2 I tend to finish my assignments and reports exactly on the due dates.
3 I sometimes finish assignments and reports a little late.
___________________________________________________
1 I rarely spend more than fifteen minutes at a time on the phone.
2 I sometimes spend more than fifteen minutes at a time on the phone.
3 I often spend more than fifteen minutes at a time on the phone.
___________________________________________________
1 I rarely spend more than an hour eating a meal.
2 I sometimes spend more than an hour eating a meal.
3 I usually spend more than an hour eating a meal.
___________________________________________________
1 I never watch more than 1 1/2 hours of TV on a weeknight.
2 I sometimes watch more than 1 1/2 hours of TV on a weeknight.
3 I usually watch more than 1 1/2 hours of TV on a weeknight.
___________________________________________________
1 I never spend more than an hour surfing the Web or talking on a chat line at any one time.
2 I sometimes spend more than an hour surfing the Web or talking on a chat line at any one time.
3 I usually spend more than an hour surfing the Web or talking on a chat line at any one time.
____________________________________________________
Now add up the numbers you have marked: _____. The higher the total, the more you need to work on time management skills now that you are engaged in college study.

If your total is over ten you probably need to adjust your priorities and begin to take more responsibility for managing your time.

After completing this activity, please write a 3 paragraph response to the following questions:

How would you evaluate yourself as a time manager right now? What do you see as your greatest asset in terms of time management? What do you think will be your greatest hindrance to effectively manage your time? How do you intend to deal with this hindrance? How might you use your assets to overcome your weaknesses?

And my response???


I scored 15 out of a possible 54 points in the time management quiz/test. Although I agree I might benefit by managing time differently, I don’t really agree with the premise of the survey itself.
I will explain this in part by going over some of my answers and discussing my thoughts here:

I set my watch to the exact time. I set all the clocks in my house as close to the exact same time as possible. This is partly because I do not like to be late for things, I have respect for others, and I like keeping my schedule running smoothly. But mostly I set my clocks like that because I have a slight obsessive compulsive disorder. (Ha! I don’t know if I really do, but it seems like it.)

I don’t walk and talk fast during the day if I can help it. When I am doing that, that is when I know I am overworked, overbooked, and overwhelmed. I don’t think that is a good ‘skill’ to develop. I think it creates a sense of stress within the people who are around you and it only helps to make you feel too busy. Being calm and relaxed is better for everyone and is generally more productive in the long run.

I eat my meals slowly. The variety, quality and abundance of food in this country is a luxury and should be enjoyed. Taking time to be very conscious of the taste, texture, flavor nuances, smells and colors of your food, paying close attention to the effect of food in your body, expressing gratitude for the food you have, and being aware of the nutritional value and ingredients of what you are eating makes for an ‘alive’ experience. As a matter of fact, there is a new movement in the world called “slow food”. Check it out. Wolfing food down so you can get on to more ‘important’ tasks, without thought of what you are doing or what you are eating, causes overeating, gastrointestinal problems, and a lack of gratitude or a sense of life’s pleasures. It’s not a goal of mine to eat faster.

Surfing the internet is one of my time-suckers. I am extremely grateful that I was born in this era, where I can get instant answers to any question I have. I realize that I may not always come across accurate information, so I have to be discerning, compare results, and use critical reading/thinking skills. And I can loose a lot of hours if I am not careful, because I get too deep into finding out more and more about a subject. There have been times that I have stayed up most of the night surfing the ‘net. This is one thing I plan to control as I take these on-line course. I will allow myself 1 hour for pleasure surfing, but only after my assignments are done.

I don’t like talking on the phone. I think my teenage years of constant talking burned me out. :-)

Television is not a problem for me. Although there are some informative programs on television, most of it is pure crap. I am stunned at the poor quality of programming anymore. I haven’t paid for cable for over 10 years. I can’t justify the waste. With the three channels we do have at our house, I use television. When I want to unplug and vegetate I watch a program or two. Or I put in my own dvd’s. I watch maybe 3 hours of television a month, not including dvd’s.

The point I’ve been trying to make is, rushing and running through life isn’t better. Doing more outside the home and family isn’t a healthy priority. The average student these days is no longer a kid working a part-time job and goofing off with friends. The average student today juggles work, family, education, household chores, church obligations, and other big demands on their time. To imply that anything is more important than the health and welfare of the family is wrong. Some things are necessary, such as work and school, but they should never be more important than fully experiencing this life and world and loving our people. Don’t get me wrong, we chose to take courses and pursue more education, therefore we must complete our assignments and finish our courses. That is why a survey on our time habits will help us think about and accomplish those things. I’m glad our teacher provided it for us. But I had all these other thoughts as I was doing the survey, so I had to share them.

The survey suggests: “If your total is over ten you probably need to adjust your priorities and begin to take more responsibility for managing your time.”

I think that is dangerous to suggest. Maybe it should read: “If your total is over ten you probably understand your true priorities and are responsible for your loved ones and your community.”

He Is My Sky

The sky has been heavy for days, pushing down on the top of my head, pressing against my eyes, holding me inside myself. How much does it weigh? As much as two hearts.

He told me he could smell autumn. I told him I could smell rain. But he is where the fall comes easily, no stopping it, even if one wanted to. But here the rain only threatens. Promises. And never falls.

I always watch the sky. Something bigger than me, he said. That is what I want, he said.
...something bigger than me...but the rain has been holding back. I’ve been watching the clouds roll past for too long. And only yesterday they stopped rolling. Today they sit, thick and heavy, going nowhere like the shirt of a tired man who has dropped it to the floor before lying down to sleep. Today I learned that the sky weighs five million billion tons. And today the clouds have made good on their prolonged promise and have begun to drop hours of rain.

I laid outside and listened to it hit the leaves of the trees, the pebbles on the road, the grass on the ground. I saw it coat my skin and make it slick and shiny. I smelled the sky. It smells like open. I have never wondered what open smells like because I have always known. Open smells like blood. Sunshine. Fear. Fresh raspberries. Rivers. Open smells like rain.

And as I laid there hearing and smelling this rain that had finally come down, he joined me. He always comes to me in moments like these. I can attempt to keep him further from me at other times. Sometimes. But he is very strong. He will not allow me to do that for long. And like I have wanted this rain to fall, I also want him to never allow me to truly stop him. Though I feel that I may always try. I watch the clouds and understand, he is my sky.

One Word

CHANNEL:
It runs straight from you to me. It is ethereal, this channel of love, of knowing, of substance. Awake, asleep, alone...there is a path between us.


DEPTH:
Like people who never see the surface. A charge. Deeper than thee. I am the depth and width of you. And you of me. Go there. Be.


HEAVY:
These things I feel. All about you. all about me. drop like stones inside myself. we are so very. this is truth.


ESCAPE:
I have no desire to do so. I am held by nothing but your eyes. the ropes that bind us are silken and so very loose. i will remain willingly held.


LAUNCH:
i catapulted through the air. or perhaps the earth launched itself from orbit and I was simply left behind. either way, my equilibrium changed and I was left groundless.



© 1990 - 2005 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express permission of the author.

Silence is a Hammer

silence is a hammer
revolution a ghost
religion a tapestry
philosophy a tadpole




© 1990 - 2005 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express permission of the author.